Sitting, somewhere... I think "something awful just happened or is happening. I don't feel good. wouldn't it be nice if" Andrew walks in, and I ask him to give me a hug because something awful just happened. I knew it was a dream, after all, I conjured the boy out of thin air on a whim, so I was very surprised how much like the real thing it felt. I guess my subconscious kept those memories in pretty good condition. I tried so hard to not wake up, I wanted that to last forever.
My front-left tooth chips. Horrible. I look in the mirror at my mouth, somehow from below. So I can see all my teeth. They start falling out, one by one, as I stand still, gawking in slight disbelief. A second later, I wake up to him poking my hand. He helps me stand up, does a perfect little puppy head tilt, and gives me one of the best hugs I've ever had, as is usual with him.. he hugs close. I was surprised that it felt so much like a dream I once had...
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
2012
I had an epiphany while I was out and I decided Hancock is a super sad little boy and I am a super happy little girl and I never want to hurt him ever because he is so sad and sooo cute, that I just want to be a good memory for him all the time. I don't ever want to bitch at him about anything, I don't want to fuck his best friend, because he was telling me his extremely charismatic and quirky BFF always steals his women, and I don't want to do that... I'll have sex with whomever I please because it's none of his business (and if he doesn't wana be happy with me, I'll find what I want somewhere else!), but definitely will not have anything to do with sad boy's bff, or hopefully any other friends for that matter. That would be so horrible. Cause I was like "hey come be happy with me, I pinkypromise I'll give you some happiness" and he was like "...i'm sad i dont want to" so now I'm like "well I pinky promised anyway (and I am bffs with sister so I have a reason to come around without directly invading your life!)" and guess what; sad boy has a best friend that is a happy boy! And all the girls like him because he is so happy, even though sad boy is WAY cuter, -- so I imagine that most women are like "hey come be happy with me" and he's like "well I'm sad and I'm probably going to be forever" and they're like "oh... I don't make you happy? well i want to go find someone who makes me feel like I'm important to them" and then they run away or end up with happy bff because-- they just can't handle unhappiness all the time. So some girls start to fall in love with sad boy but they end up with happy bff or someone else because they don't have infinite capacity to give and give and give, but, as long as it's in smallish doses... I do.
I don't ever want to be a reason sad boy is sad.
So I'll always bring someone to cock block his bffs :)!
Everything is as it should be.
... but I definitely don't want another one. xD
♥-t
I don't ever want to be a reason sad boy is sad.
So I'll always bring someone to cock block his bffs :)!
Everything is as it should be.
... but I definitely don't want another one. xD
♥-t
Friday, January 27, 2012
the pretty one
Me: We have a lot to talk about next time I see you. Ill get you drunk or something first so we dont creep each other out. i'm not little anymore.
Him: Huh? Okay. I was not aware we had stuff to talk about. Your scaring me.
Me: You've been scaring me. We're scaring each other already, great. Oh well. i think it'll be okay if i mostly keep you drunk and stuff :)
Him: I wouldn't be scared of me. Ive recently had some traumatic shit happen. Your the one saying weird shit for no reason...
Me: Oh, maybe its your traumatic shit thats scaring me. Idk what happened so i cant feel bad for you other than knowing something horrible happened. I feel better
Him: Thats good. Do we still have alot to talk about now?
Me: I still remember it but i dont feel it like i did a few minutes ago. I should do more drugs
Him: What are you talking about?
Me: Havin a head trip, dont worrryyy
Him: You are a head trip. I need you to not trip out on me. I cant deal with shit like that right now.
Me: Ok bye mark poop ill see you soon maybe *kiss wait how much longer will you be here?
Him: Who knows. You probably wont see me cause your being weird.
Me: Ok
Him: You can ifn you want. Just gimme a call and come over and no weirdness.
Me: I thought you were being weird and it was creepin me out. We're fine. Ill come over soon
Him: No im just damaged. Sorry.
Me: I know. I love you.
Him: Love you too. Ill wait for you to hit me up sometime.
Later on...
Me: I'm pretty sure I have bronchitis or something. goodnighttt
Him: Well i didnt give you that
made me smile :)
I wish we could stay the same forever. Me not being a minor anymore caused a little weirdness for a few reasons but I think we'll be okay. As long as we never give each other titles or talk too much about feelings or anything else. And not see each other too often. We really like each other... but we don't want to. And if we admit it and be honest and talk about real things for a change, everything will be ruined, because it's too weird. But he is totally being weird because he said his ex made him sad and I told him he needed a tar hug (because the weirdly in love on my part and the sexual neediness on his part is completely normal for us) and he told me to come over and it made me feel weird because last time I saw him he was all "you're like... weirdly in love with me, aren't you?" and that was okay because that's the way it's always been, but I am actually fairly-tale not-weirdly falling in love with Hancock, and I don't want to have sex with FWB but if I can't fuck FWB all we will have is feelings and that's gonna ruin everything?! wtf I don't know what to dooo.
Hancock will just have to be ok with this if he ever finds out. I don't want to lie to him and I want him to know every aspect of my being and like me anyway, but I know he won't like this. And that makes me not even want it. I've molded to him and I don't want anything that will jeopardize his feelings for me. But I don't want things to be weird with FWB, because after all, with me and him, we're the forever type (as long as it doesn't get too real). And we kind of like each other as people. But we shouldn't ever date each other, and I'll never pick up my life to go be with him, and vice versa. But I'm starting to think that he is starting to think that I would be good for him and he wants to be with me, but that creeps me out and I don't want it. And I'm sure that, if the same has occurred to him, it creeps him out too. But not to the point of wanting to stay away from me. I want everything to stay the same and I always want to like him way more than he likes me. It's easier that way. It was easy when he was with his last gf because he loved her and didn't pay much attention to me and everything was fine. Now he's paying a lot of attention to me and it's weird... I'd be fine with it and deal with everything accordingly if it weren't for Hancock, because I don't want to hurt him. I told him I was going to try not to. And because he is not prepared to deal with my extra-marital affairs, if he knows about me and FWB, all he'll see is "you like him and you have sex with him sometimes" and then he will convince himself that I am gross, and I'm not. I am beginning to genuinely and totally not weirdly and completely honestly fall in love with this kid, and that alone may keep me and FWB on a good level... sex, stds, and Hancock's reaction to all this are the only potential problems.
It'll be okay. Everything will turn out as it should.
♥-t
Him: Huh? Okay. I was not aware we had stuff to talk about. Your scaring me.
Me: You've been scaring me. We're scaring each other already, great. Oh well. i think it'll be okay if i mostly keep you drunk and stuff :)
Him: I wouldn't be scared of me. Ive recently had some traumatic shit happen. Your the one saying weird shit for no reason...
Me: Oh, maybe its your traumatic shit thats scaring me. Idk what happened so i cant feel bad for you other than knowing something horrible happened. I feel better
Him: Thats good. Do we still have alot to talk about now?
Me: I still remember it but i dont feel it like i did a few minutes ago. I should do more drugs
Him: What are you talking about?
Me: Havin a head trip, dont worrryyy
Him: You are a head trip. I need you to not trip out on me. I cant deal with shit like that right now.
Me: Ok bye mark poop ill see you soon maybe *kiss wait how much longer will you be here?
Him: Who knows. You probably wont see me cause your being weird.
Me: Ok
Him: You can ifn you want. Just gimme a call and come over and no weirdness.
Me: I thought you were being weird and it was creepin me out. We're fine. Ill come over soon
Him: No im just damaged. Sorry.
Me: I know. I love you.
Him: Love you too. Ill wait for you to hit me up sometime.
Later on...
Me: I'm pretty sure I have bronchitis or something. goodnighttt
Him: Well i didnt give you that
made me smile :)
I wish we could stay the same forever. Me not being a minor anymore caused a little weirdness for a few reasons but I think we'll be okay. As long as we never give each other titles or talk too much about feelings or anything else. And not see each other too often. We really like each other... but we don't want to. And if we admit it and be honest and talk about real things for a change, everything will be ruined, because it's too weird. But he is totally being weird because he said his ex made him sad and I told him he needed a tar hug (because the weirdly in love on my part and the sexual neediness on his part is completely normal for us) and he told me to come over and it made me feel weird because last time I saw him he was all "you're like... weirdly in love with me, aren't you?" and that was okay because that's the way it's always been, but I am actually fairly-tale not-weirdly falling in love with Hancock, and I don't want to have sex with FWB but if I can't fuck FWB all we will have is feelings and that's gonna ruin everything?! wtf I don't know what to dooo.
Hancock will just have to be ok with this if he ever finds out. I don't want to lie to him and I want him to know every aspect of my being and like me anyway, but I know he won't like this. And that makes me not even want it. I've molded to him and I don't want anything that will jeopardize his feelings for me. But I don't want things to be weird with FWB, because after all, with me and him, we're the forever type (as long as it doesn't get too real). And we kind of like each other as people. But we shouldn't ever date each other, and I'll never pick up my life to go be with him, and vice versa. But I'm starting to think that he is starting to think that I would be good for him and he wants to be with me, but that creeps me out and I don't want it. And I'm sure that, if the same has occurred to him, it creeps him out too. But not to the point of wanting to stay away from me. I want everything to stay the same and I always want to like him way more than he likes me. It's easier that way. It was easy when he was with his last gf because he loved her and didn't pay much attention to me and everything was fine. Now he's paying a lot of attention to me and it's weird... I'd be fine with it and deal with everything accordingly if it weren't for Hancock, because I don't want to hurt him. I told him I was going to try not to. And because he is not prepared to deal with my extra-marital affairs, if he knows about me and FWB, all he'll see is "you like him and you have sex with him sometimes" and then he will convince himself that I am gross, and I'm not. I am beginning to genuinely and totally not weirdly and completely honestly fall in love with this kid, and that alone may keep me and FWB on a good level... sex, stds, and Hancock's reaction to all this are the only potential problems.
It'll be okay. Everything will turn out as it should.
♥-t
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